My Mermaid
by Ms. Mumpsimus
Summary: Once upon a time, there lived a bored and lazy God who dwelled in the vast waters of a town whose name had no importance in this story.


**Title: **My Mermaid

**Disclaimer:** I do not own DGM.

**Warnings:** Unbeta'ed. Sarcastic narrator. You have been warned.

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Once upon a time, there lived a bored and lazy God who dwelled in the vast waters of a town whose name had no importance in this story. Nothing interest him beside sleeping and eating and he was quite proud that he was able to live this long (please see the note) despite the fact that he wasn't fond of doing anything good for himself or for his realm.

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**Note: A thousand years of worthless existence**

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Truthfully, he was just a lump of lazy subsistence that somehow, really didn't exist.

Not for humans, anyway.

Allen glared at no one in particular as he thought of the bad experienced he had when he was running an extremely rare errand a month ago in dry land.

The god pouted, water bubbling under his nose, and his swelled face now resembled a puffer fish swimming in front of the castle a while ago.

The point was humans were nothing but piles of shits stuck together.

That was what Allen concluded after meeting a particularly annoying human with outrageously red scales (or was it called fur? Damn. What the hell do you called that thing above their worthless head?). Allen was revolted beyond his capacity to be revolt, to the pompous atrocity that didn't even have scales, who dared fouled his existence with his presence.

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**Note: The royal glistening of scales determines the worth of a creature living down ****there**_**. **_

**Yeah. Down **_**there**_**. **

***Warily looks at the pair of eyes looking literally down **_**there**_*** **

**Down the SEA, idiot.**

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The thrilled human was spurting some nonsense about him being a _mermaid_.

Allen trembled in anger as he remembered how the human ogled at him like he was some kind of a freak show.

On top of that, he was called a _mermaid_, as if the ogling wasn't enough of a humiliation.

Mermaid? He, a venerable _merman_ god, who could rivaled Neptune for his wisdom and powers was called a mermaid?

A downright abomination, indeed.

He wasn't one of those licentious fish women who didn't even had enough morals to cover their freakishly huge bosoms as if inviting the whole realm of sea to look at their bouncing thingies.

A cold suddenly crept up on Allen's spine.

He never liked big, bouncing boobies.

Maybe that's why never liked jellyfish, too.

Marian did say something about Allen being condemnatory or something close to that when the merman learned of Allen's "odd" disease. (Note: Marian actually said: "You are allergic to the most _breathtaking_ creatures Neptune had ever breathed life into. You, Allen Walker, was unfortunately allergic to women. You have my pity.")

Marian, by the way, was the leader of the merman pack dwelling in the southern part of sea castle who took being apathetic and lazy to a whole new level. He was also a complete pervert (Read: PERVERT) and mermaids (and some merman, too) hated him with passion. In short, he was a lot worse than Allen Walker.

Then, the atrocious memory of being compared to a mermaid suddenly came back to Allen with a vengeance.

"_Dude! 'Can't believe I'm seeing a mermaid now! God, aren't you beautiful and –"_

Allen did his best to cut off the unwanted memory now popping in his mind. His eyes widened, gills were flopping feverishly fast.

He was a _MERMAN_, goddamnit!

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**Note: Allen Walker is not used in breathing fresh air despite the fact that his kinds are actually quite adept to it because of their common trips in dry land for Neptune-knows-what reasons. This is because Allen Walker is not just like any other merman. In spite of his nonchalant behavior, he is an important divine being under the sea. However, Allen, being Allen, is not pleased to be given such title and in effort to force Neptune to take his it away, Walker refused to follow any mission. He always make sure that he stays behind everyone, idly floating around his room while scratching his ivory scales that almost **_**all**_** sea creatures secretly adored.**

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He refused to be called a mermaid.

First of all, he was a _male_. However unbelievably it may seem, seeing that his body was too gangly and his fin was too dazzling for a merman. There were even mermen who believed that Allen Walker could rivaled even the most beautiful mermaid in the sea earning him the epithet, 'Shiroihime' and –

Allen Walker hyperventilated.

Mainly because of two things: the atrocity called human beings and his horrendous train of thoughts.

Damn.

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**Note: The red human has a name, actually. He is called Lavi Bookman. **

**Called Lavi by his family, Idiot, by his friends.**

**He is the rich son of a Japanese Tuna Company magnate migrated from Brazil.**

**According to some people, his hair was naturally red.**

**Makes you wonder if he's also **_**red**_** down **_**there**_**, too, right?**

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After that ghastly meeting, when Allen thought that he could finally move on and throw away his horrible land experience, he met the most horrible, the most awful, and the most terrible human (more horrible, awful and terrible than the first red human) in the entire human race. He was not supposed to meet another human again, because Allen Walker had no intention of going back to dry land again when the first experience he had back there was still haunting him in his sleep.

Then, how did he meet the most revolting human of all humans?

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**Note: Here's how:**

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He was forced to do an errand for Lenalee, a terrifying goddess guiding the expectant sea creatures in the palace. She was usually kind and sweet but Allen learned that looks definitely could be deceiving because under that sweet, innocent façade, she was actually an appalling and dreadful sea fiend who would not waste a second to devour Allen if he refused her so-called _favors. _So there he was, swimming near the seashore to fetch something for the woman.

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**Note: Allen is actually not kidding.**

**The funny thing is, Allen couldn't understand why, despite his hostility towards the female population, he quite was comfortable around Lenalee. This led him into thinking that **_**maybe**_** Lenalee was actually a merman **_**dressing**_** as a mermaid.**

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**Oh. Allen always forgets that Lenalee could read minds. One of her proud quirks, or so she says.**

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**Another note: The beatings were censored for the sake of your ****innocent ****minds.**

**Let's us all say, 'YEAH, RIGHT' with outmost sarcasm.**

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Allen blinked. Staring at those cold (much, much, colder than his skin), calculating eyes.

"I told you Yuu! He's really a beauty, right? Nee, Yuu-kun!"

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**YEAH, RIGHT.**

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"He's slimy."

"Well, he's a mermaid. He lives underwater. It's normal, Yuu."

"Don't call me Yuu, you idiot."

"Eeeehh… But he's really a beauty, right? Right?"

"He's too small. Are all mermaids this small?"

Allen's mind was now ready to purge his last meal; his famous black alter-ego was threatening to come out in any moment, hauling a murderous intent.

"He looks like a small bean sprout."

Laughter.

"You're so funny, Yuu! That would make him a floating bean sprout!"

"He's small."

"WAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

Allen was seriously pissed off now. He was itching to throw a huge puffer fish into that offensively stretched mouth.

Didn't these horrible humans believed in divine punishment?

"But he's beautiful. I'll give him that."

Allen snapped.

They're mocking him. Definitely mocking him.

But before he could flush out his anger, a pair of strong arms suddenly coiled to his lithe body and scooped him out of the cold sea water.

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**Note: Unfortunately, no matter how many times you've read in countless books that mermaids**

_(MERMAN, YOU STUPID NARRATOR! At least call me a merman! Argh! – Allen)_

**could acquire human legs if they are out of the water, you are, regrettably and gravely mistaken.**

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"You –! Put me down, you filthy human! What the hell are you doing? I said put me down –!"

He was being dragged away from his home!

Oh my god.

Save me, Neptune!

"Are you sure about this, Yuu?" Lavi asked while eyeing the beautiful sea creature flailing in his cousin's arms.

"Stop! Put me back into the water, you worthless piece of thrash! I swear to Neptune I'll have your heads decapitated! Put me down! Hey, are you even listening to me?"

"I have a very big swimming pool inside my mansion. He'll live."

" I said stop! Oi! –"

"But he's a mermaid…"

"_MERMAN_! I AM A _MERMAN_! How many times should I repeat that I am not a mermaid, I am a merman! You'll be punished by Neptune! You're kidnapping a deity! A god! You have no right to remove me from my refuge! Release me at once!"

Kanda stopped and stared at the wet, glistening body of the _mermaid_ in his arms. He took note of those beautiful eyes staring at him and lips that were unconsciously parted. His ivory-colored hair was damp and sticking to his head like a glorious crown.

"Too bad, moyashi," he said bridging the gap between their faces, "I am also considered as a _god_ around here." His lips brushed those sweet and supple cheeks, reminding Kanda his favorite pillow. "And here in land, you will follow _my _rules."

Lavi laughed heartily beside him.

"Yeah. Yuu is a _god_ around here, gorgeous." The red-haired smirked. "God of sex appeal and mischief." He added and chortled again.

Allen blinked his eyes and felt a tremor of infinite headaches was about to befall him.

"You're in for a ride, Mr. Sea god."

Fin?


End file.
